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Takkun-hime

Xai
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Lately I have been really brought down by life recently. I've been blindingly ignoring it, being optimistic, and coping with it.. though I haven't confronted it because I'm pretty sure it will only cause problems. I hate how much I care for people and get attached. I feel confined by anothers manipulative feelings and therefore need to do everything in 'secret'  as far is whenever I get feelings for someone else.

In such a case the person I am getting attached to I am unsure of their intentions compared to mine, so I have become somewhat reserved with my feelings.. or at least in expressing them. I'm afraid to show them because I think it would push her away.

So I write this in plain sight. If you read it well then you know a little bit on what's on my mind, talk to me privately

Fun fact number 833: Children have more taste buds than adults.
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This nervousness is crippling and the anxiety presser son me harder and harder. This block is the only way to show the emotion that I cannot express in any sort of existence. These eyes that see past the surface are stabbing into my skull what I do not wish to know and cannot perceive as fact, but only notion that is smothered in nervous resentment. Withered hands grasping at this smoke and hitting mirrors placed by my own defences shroud my judgement. What is real and what is this paranoid cyst constricting rationality I cannot say, but I am to restricted by my doubts to dare ask truth and lies from this dark well. Is what lies from within you a truth of sustenance to thrive on, or just another pit of poison I have invested in, finding only poison once again. I cannot blame you, oh mysterious well, as I chose this path, and I am scared to put this bucket in, and pull from you the answers.
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To you..

2 min read
To you who will never read these words, may you one day know my love for you. With the creativity that gushes from me like blood in a fatal wound that you will never read. I feel as though I am screaming till I am mute and you don't even see me. Yes I am upset and yes I am here willingly but will you ever see the world i wish to give and anything I can offer? I'd give up my dreams right now for just one more chance to even be considered yours! I will never insult you even if you bury me in the dirt!
These feelings grow every day and twist me. They flick my switches and my heart burns with these ancient forms to speak. If you only could feel what I do for you if only for a moment, then may things be changed ever so slightly. I am wound 'round your wrist and fingers by my own accord and you do not object but you spit in my face and you will never see these sorrows that haunt me and creep through me.
If you stumble upon these then may you see me as a mad man. I, Xai, am love struck by you. You save me from the Siren's call and I have tried to prove my worth to you and I feel you have not listened- have not given me a fair fight. So I ask of you with any respect I have in your eyes to think what if once more. TO shine that warm light once again. My whatever is beyond us have mercy for the lunacy of me writing this. The fear of you knowing is overwhelmingly strong but I have to face my fears. Time is my enemy and my greatest ally, but I wish not to be taken by you as if by another siren's song. Nay I do not claim you to be one of those foul beasts but my longing to you feels as such and I am going willingly.  

With love till it kills the last bit of me,
Xai
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I've been under so much stress from where I have put myself. This pen I have writes small lines that are strong but nothing of any substantial length. I write this being far more hard than I have in the past to you and me. To be a realist I am not sure if my pages are ever read, but time and space moving can have that effect.
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7/10 split

1 min read
It;s always fun to go into the familiar's land, to walk and see all around you in the familiar feeling of having been down this road, but you know it was a different road. I see ahead of me a fork in the road. I turn to muse and ask her, "Well, this is familiar. Which path should we stroll?" From I only get a laugh and the comment, "Fuck if I know hun, I am not your oracle, just your muse." Her eyes glinting with her magic and so I am struck. To find an oracle. It has been too long floating with just my muse. She is what fuels my thinking, but on opinions, she is no help. I draw an "x" on the side of the road, and then I am elsewhere, to procrastinate on something I know deep down, I can only decide in the end.
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Featured

Devious Journal Entry by Takkun-hime, journal

Nervous uncertainty by Takkun-hime, journal

To you.. by Takkun-hime, journal

Pen almost to paper by Takkun-hime, journal

7/10 split by Takkun-hime, journal